Sweet Jesus. A friend of mine recently told me that her brother is quite sick; she just sent an email informing us that he has a malignant brain tumor. It's an extremely treatable presentation and it sounds as though his personal prognosis is as good as could be hoped for, but still.

First and foremost, prayers of whatever flavor you prefer to her brother (and indeed to her entire family).

As soon as I saw her email, I sat to write her a response. Okay, first I did some internet research on the type of tumor and the treatment, incidence, prognosis, etc. Forewarned is forearmed and facts are my weapon of choice. So first research, then response. And before I could squeeze out a simple "if there's anything I can do...", I realized that I was crying. Initially we're talking a couple of big fat salty tears plunking down, but before I knew what was what I was in the middle of a great big silent snotstorm. I wish that I could pretend that I was feeling weepy for my friend, that I'm just that sensitive a person (and that IS part of it), but really I was crying for me.

(I mean, what kind of wretched, small-hearted shit does this make me? Snatching someone else's nightmare and turning it into a platform for more of my own drama -- but if you can't admit this stuff to your anonymous weblog, then really what's the point?)

Here's one of the descriptions I found tonight on one of the brain tumor sites while I was doing my quasi-research. It's from an advocacy piece for people with my type of tumor:

"[Another] way tumors make themselves known is in initial subtle changes in mood and mind. Patients may have a spotty memory, wide mood swings, deep depression, bi-polar behavior, or fail to recognize familiar things. They can’t remember familiar words and names, experience red-hot anger (adult temper tantrums) and some withdraw socially. There are many, many more symptoms and it differs from patient to patient. Total apathy is known to occur, so is melancholia."

Poof! Just like that I'm right back in it. A couple of not-very-eloquent words on a website, and before I know it it's close enough to touch. It's been more than 7 years now since I first learned about my little black hole and finally found some relief. Not something I spend a whole lot of time thinking about anymore, despite JL's smartass claim that I invoke it in every sentence. But wow. It's still there (and by "it" I mean both the literal, physical tumor and the "it" of all of those years) and I suppose that a little reminder every now and again is in order.

Lately I've been so critical of myself and my squandered opportunities and all of my excuses for poor past performance. I think I'm gonna try to take a rain check on that stuff.

I haven't been big on the New Year's resolution thing for a while, probably for a whole bunch of deep dark reasons that I don't need to get into now. But I am big on milestones and symbols and celebrating new beginnings, and now seems as good a time as any to pause and take note.

A few things that I've been mulling over:

1) My resolutions will not be about weight loss (or 'gettingbackinshape', weight loss' kissing cousin.) If anything, I resolve that 2008 will be the year when I stop using my weight as a proxy for everything in my life that I'm dissatisfied with. I'll find someone to fall in love with when I'm thin, I'll go out more when I'm thin, I'll start going to the gym again when I'm thin (one of my favorites!) After all, I was almost as self-conscious and hung up about my fat when I was comfortably wearing a size 4 and running marathons. No, instead I resolve to be a little less critical about my body, whatever it may look like.

2) I resolve that this year I will honor my love for good food and good health and sustainable living. I want to engage more with what goes into my body, learn more about the kind of cooking that I like to do, and stop eating the processed crap that's gotten me halfway through law school.

3) On a similar note, I resolve to make physical activity a priority again. I miss feeling strong and healthy. I would like to run another marathon this year.

More to come on this front later. In the meantime, I'm gonna go run some errands.

Does anyone else out there kinda hate this time of year?

I always feel a bit of a Sarah Bernhardt when I express any kind of negativity associated with the season, but between me and thee: the doldrums are here. Holidays are tough in my family, and the solstice ushers in the bleakest, blackest, most dolorous couple of months. I need to just focus on the spirituality of it all, the sense of renewal and the celebration of the year we've just completed, the anticipation of the rebirth that's just over the next hill. And so on and so on.

But in my little heart of hearts, I'm going to enjoy being a grim bitch for the next four weeks or so.