I just can't shake the feeling that this isn't going as planned.

Earlier this year, I decided (very abruptly) to apply for a really competitive federal government honors program for next year. Although this job would be right up my alley, it was a 180 for me. I came to law school planning on beginning my career in private practice – the famed "biglaw." In fact, this was the only way I was able to justify taking on the additional (enormous) debt that law school would entail. So I did all the stuff that I needed to, danced the dance, found a firm I could live with, did my summer gig . . . got the offer. And then almost immediately began reassessing.

Okay, "reassessing" is probably not the right word, what with its suggestion of reasoned, measured analysis. Likely more accurate to say that I quietly, suddenly freaked. This is not what I want!

Beat . . . beat. . . BOOM! Here comes the guilt. It is incredibly selfish and self-indulgent to sneer in the face of an obscenely lucrative and relatively prestigious job, particularly in a year when many new JD grads may be left out in the cold and the entire economy is in the shitter. I get this.

So we have panicky aversion to the job I've lined up coupled with a deep sense of self-loathing for my failure to appreciate the depth of my good fortune. That pretty much sums it up.

And then it all seems to come together. I learn about this honors program. It's for the federal agency that administers and controls the field I've spent my whole career in. I have great credentials and a pretty decent reputation in the field. The right people come crawling out of the woodwork offering to serve as references. I have just enough time to pull an application together. My firm enthusiastically agrees to hold my offer while I wait to hear. I apply for two different positions and get interviews for both. Let there be light! My heart is happy.

So why do I feel so fucking low over my prospects? Without any objective evidence to back it up, my gut sense is that the interviews were not so hot. I really don't think I'm going to get either of these jobs. And the worst part is that I can't tell if this is a fair assessment or my usual self-doubt. I can't remember the last time that I really wanted something, went for it, guns blazing, and fell short. Of course, I'm not even going to have confirmation that I've fallen short for another month, give or take. Augh. And it's also kind of shitty that I'm beating myself up over maybe possibly not landing a job that had MLB-like odds. They were expecting 800-1000 applications and will only hire 2-5 people. Let it go. Let it go.

I think I need a glass of wine.